Well today January 10th, 2014……. Marks 12 years since I gave birth to my First born. Those who have known me longest know my story. At age 15 I got pregnant, at 16 I gave birth to a 7lbs 7oz boy, Noah Benjamin. After a few weeks of being a teen mother I gave him up for an open adoption. I moved in with my grandparents after this and meet David. I finished high school and started college. I would go see Noah every 3 months or so. After being raised with a lot of siblings, I never had a motherly instinct, until I was about 18. I had never wanted children until I meet David. Around age 2 I stopped going to see him so that I could do personal healing. After David and I got engaged at 20, my mother informed Noah was diagnosed Autistic. At that very moment I knew God had laid a plan out that I could of never foreseen. I wasn't saved yet at this point but I knew God was working things out for my life. I made a choice to tell Abreanna and Aspynn about Noah because I have never keep him a secret and wasn't planning on keeping it from them either. Although they don’t understand why we cannot see him, one day they will hopefully understand the reasons for my choices. Being a mother now 12 years later has changed my life some much. After getting pregnant with Abreanna, all I wanted was a boy. I have to be the first girl in history sad that it was a girl. As I came to terms I was having a girl, I realized it was for the best. God knew what he was doing all along. I had to many unresolved issues with being a mother to a boy. When I was pregnant with Aspynn I went into preterm labor on jan 10, 2011, Noahs 9th birthday. I was very upset that day, praying I didn’t have her that day. After I stayed the night at the hospital and got home. I was so thankful Noahs day was still his. A month later I gave birth to Aspynn and Noah was on my mind. For the first time ever in my 9 years after giving birth to my first born, I was at peace. After holding Aspynn in my arms, a sense of peace came over me. I got saved just a few months after she was born and God settled all my hurt. I am currently pregnant and pray God blesses our family with a boy. Because for the first time ever I am ready for a baby boy in this family! As soon as Christmas is over I seem to go into a short depression and struggle through fighting it off. I like to be by myself when approaching his birthday. Each year I deal with it better and better, but of course I am not perfect, I am human. After this weekend I will be focusing on Aspynns 3rd birthday! If yall could pray for me today that would be wonderful! I also would like to thank those who were there for me during my pregnancy and delivery. They all supported me and loved me through it. My mom, Michelle, step dad, Ben, (noahs middle name), and my 2 sisters, Aubrè & Kylee. It wasnt easy going to school being pregnant as a sophomore/jr.. but they helped me get through the hard times, when everyone looked at me like i wore i scarlet letter. But i keep my head up and trusted in them to help me. After giving my son up for adoption it was even harder to have 16 yr old girls stare at my stretch marks and ask what happened... I was honest with all... never held back... Some people could appreciate that & others could not. At the age of 16 I can now look back an appreciate the person my husband is today. He never ONCE judged me for having gone throught that in my life, and always supported me. He still does today. He lets me throw a birthday party for Noah every year for just our family... He sings Happy birthday to my 1st born and comforts me through Jan 10th every year, Thank you all so much
Thursday, January 9, 2014
From October until November I feel like it was a haze, just to get back into a routine and back to life. I have never really asked for grace for any real reason in my life but during this time I did specifically ask a few people to just give me grace to get through my grief. I will be honest, I told god I was mad at him and asked why he was punishing me. I had done everything humanly possible to take care of myself and to care for my unborn child. And I was angry. After a few weeks I decided being angry wasn't doing me any good and that I needed to accept it. So lets Fast-forward now, in November I had a 3 month prescription of Birth control waiting on my dresser. I was offered a job as a Manager at Culvers . David and I made the choice to wait to try for a while before trying. The day before I started my new job I drove to my dads to visit with him and help my sister Amy move. As we sat down to eat a nice dinner my brother & his girlfriend abruptly announced they were expecting! I instantly thought I don’t know if I can be excited for anyone still! I drove home that night thinking about all the unexpected things god had been doing in my life. I got home and thought hmm.. When was I supposed to get my period?? So out of curiosity I thought I would take a at home test to make me feel better. After taking it a very faint line showed up positive! I looked at the date and saw it was Nov 25th, exactly 8 weeks from our miscarriage. I am guilty of doing the worst wife thing ever! I called my dad before anyone! He answered and I responded “ Isn't it got to be a record for 2 of your children to tell you in one day that they are expecting?!” He seemed a bit in shock! Then David showed up at home and I felt bad I hadn't done something cute to tell him, so I just blurted it out and he seemed ok with it… and he asked what I thought. I said honestly, I am scared. I could tell he was too! I said well we can only see what happens! We decided to not tell our family or children until Christmas. CAN YOU BELIEVE I HAD TO KEEP A SECRET FOR 4 WEEKS! It was killer! So here we are at 11 weeks along. Let me tell you this has been the worst pregnancy for morning sickness, dehydration, ect! I have went into the Er i would say 6 times since we found out we were pregnant. Most of it for being dizzy, sick, and a UTI. So far we have had 4 ultrasounds and we have a baby! =) We ask that everyone keep praying with us!! Thanks for reading this insanely long post!
Well, its been a long time since I have updated! Lets be honest here, I am not consistent, that’s something I really need to work on! THIS IS LONG FYI…. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK! Ok so last update we had one baby in utero! Well on Sept 25th, 2013 I called my husband because I had a little spotting and felt like I had a UTI brewing. After he came home from work, we went into the ER. During the U/S we noticed there was no heartbeat. The Tech keep it together very well.. but as she exited the room I looked at David & started to tear up.. he said “I didn’t see a heart beat” and I said “I know” .. I knew I did not see one either. I started to cry right away. Within minutes the ER doc, who was very compassionate came back in and told us what we already knew. The look in Davids eyes made me feel awful and helpless. I knew he was hurt and there wasn’t anything I could do, and I knew he wanted to be strong for my sake. He excused himself to go outside but not before he came over to give me a kiss and tell me it was going to be ok. And we would try for another baby when I was ready. As we came home that night I cried myself to sleep. I cried for a lot of reasons, but the biggest one.. for my girls. I cried because I didn’t want to tell them but I knew we needed to. I couldn't hide it. As I told my oldest tears started to drop out of her eyes as she seen them drop from mine. My youngest crossed her arms and put her head down. Kids are resilient and nothing short of Gods children. They responded to me with “ she is in Heaven now with buddy our puppy, and Jesus!”. Smart children they are! I realize miscarriage maybe a taboo subject or to hurtful for some others, but at this point I have realized there were a lot of people who I wanted to be here for me that were not! I suppose I can’t expect everyone to be strong and able to know what to say, but it sure would have been nice to have those people act like they had cared. I never knew until Google and a few ladies around my new home told me that you can have a d&c, and keep the fetus! I didn't even realize my “fetus” or baby was thrown out like old trash after a d&c. I was also told there was a funeral home in town who did FREE, yes I said FREE infant memorials! My heart instantly thought wow, what a way to honor my baby and get some healing out with this situation. The director Dan Farber was god sent! He & his staff were more than accommodating, loving, and most important to be saved Christians! We set up a visitation/memorial. I picked her name Ariana, it means holy, and David helped with her middle name Faith. To all the family/friends who were involved with our dinner after the memorial service or came to the memorial, helped in anyway… You are more appreciated than we could ever express to you! It meant the world to me that after being in Reedsburg for only a few short months so many came together for our family’s sake. Davids great grandmother and father were his only family able to attend but it meant the world to him . After the memorial service David was the last to exit the room. He came up to me as we were preparing to leave for our dinner he said to me, “I kissed her and told her I love her!” In 11 years I don’t think I could of told you my husband was an emotional man. That night after he said that I knew his hurt ran deeper than I would ever know. I appreciated that he told me this because at that moment I felt like he was the only other person who could feel the pain, hurt, grief, and loss I was suffering. As the mother I carried this baby and had to have a d&c without my husband present because of work. I was feeling very upset about that. That night he said those words to me, and saw the tears in his eyes I feel even more in love with him. The morning of the burial just the girls, David, myself, Davids dad, & my grandparents attended as we laid her to rest. My grandfather read an amazing note he had previously wrote to me in comfort. They were words that seemed so personal and felt like the lord spoke those to me. She now has a beautiful resting place and memorial stone.. R.i.p. Ariana