Friday, January 10, 2014

My side of adoption.

Well today January 10th, 2014……. Marks 12 years since I gave birth to my First born. Those who have known me longest know my story. At age 15 I got pregnant, at 16 I gave birth to a 7lbs 7oz boy, Noah Benjamin. After a few weeks of being a teen mother I gave him up for an open adoption. I moved in with my grandparents after this and meet David. I finished high school and started college. I would go see Noah every 3 months or so. After being raised with a lot of siblings, I never had a motherly instinct, until I was about 18. I had never wanted children until I meet David.  Around age 2 I stopped going to see him so that I could do personal healing. After David and I got engaged at 20, my mother informed Noah was diagnosed Autistic. At that very moment I knew God had laid a plan out that I could of never foreseen. I wasn't saved yet at this point but I knew God was working things out for my life. I made a choice to tell Abreanna and Aspynn about Noah because I have never keep him a secret and wasn't planning on keeping it from them either. Although they don’t understand why we cannot see him, one day they will hopefully understand the reasons for my choices. Being a mother now  12 years later has changed my life some much. After getting pregnant with Abreanna, all I wanted was a boy. I have to be the first girl in history sad that it was a girl. As I came to terms I was having a girl, I realized it was for the best. God knew what he was doing all along. I had to many unresolved issues with being a mother to a boy.  When I was pregnant with Aspynn I went into preterm labor on jan 10, 2011, Noahs 9th birthday.  I was very upset that day, praying I didn’t have her that day. After I stayed the night at the hospital and got home. I was so thankful Noahs day was still his. A month later I gave birth to Aspynn and Noah was on my mind. For the first time ever in my 9 years after giving birth to my first born, I was at peace.  After holding Aspynn in my arms, a sense of peace came over me. I got saved just a few months after she was born and God settled all my hurt. I am currently pregnant and pray God blesses our family with a boy. Because for the first time ever I am ready for a baby boy in this family! As soon as Christmas is over I seem to go into a short depression and struggle through fighting it off. I like to be by myself when approaching his birthday. Each year I deal with it better and better, but of course I am not perfect, I am human.  After this weekend I will be focusing on Aspynns 3rd birthday! If yall could pray for me today that would be wonderful!  I also would like to thank those who were there for me during my pregnancy and delivery. They all supported me and loved me through it. My mom, Michelle, step dad, Ben, (noahs middle name), and my 2 sisters, Aubrè & Kylee. It wasnt easy going to school being pregnant as a sophomore/jr.. but they helped me get through the hard times, when everyone looked at me like i wore i scarlet letter. But i keep my head up and trusted in them to help me. After giving my son up for adoption it was even harder to have 16 yr old girls stare at my stretch marks and ask what happened... I was honest with all... never held back... Some people could appreciate that & others could not. At the age of 16 I can now look back an appreciate the person my husband is today. He never ONCE judged me for having gone throught that in my life, and always supported me. He still does today. He lets me throw a birthday party for Noah every year for just our family... He sings Happy birthday to my 1st born and comforts me through Jan 10th every year, Thank you all so much

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