Thursday, January 9, 2014

Last chapter of Ariana, before Heaven

Well, its been a long time since I have updated! Lets be honest here, I am not consistent, that’s something I really need to work on!  THIS IS LONG FYI…. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK! Ok so last update we had one baby in utero! Well on Sept 25th, 2013 I called my husband because I had a little spotting and felt like I had a UTI brewing. After he came home from work, we went into the ER. During the U/S we noticed there was no heartbeat. The Tech keep it together very well.. but as she exited the room I looked at David & started to tear up.. he said “I didn’t see a heart beat” and I said “I know” .. I knew I did not see one either. I started to cry right away. Within minutes the ER doc, who was very compassionate came back in and told us what we already knew.  The look in Davids eyes made me feel awful and helpless. I knew he was hurt and there wasn’t anything I could do, and I knew he wanted to be strong for my sake. He excused himself to go outside but not before he came over to give me a kiss and tell me it was going to be ok. And we would try for another baby when I was ready.  As we came home that night I cried myself to sleep. I cried for a lot of reasons, but the biggest one.. for my girls. I cried because I didn’t want to tell them but I knew we needed to. I couldn't hide it. As I told my oldest tears started to drop out of her eyes as she seen them drop from mine. My youngest crossed her arms and put her head down. Kids are resilient and nothing short of Gods children. They responded to me with “ she is in Heaven now with buddy our puppy, and Jesus!”. Smart children they are! I realize miscarriage maybe a taboo subject or to hurtful for some others, but at this point I have realized there were a lot of people who I wanted to be here for me that were not! I suppose I can’t expect everyone to be strong and able to know what to say, but it sure would have been nice to have those people act like they had cared. I never knew until Google and a few ladies around my new home told me that you can have a d&c, and keep the fetus! I didn't even realize my “fetus” or baby was thrown out like old trash after a d&c. I was also told there was a funeral home in town who did FREE, yes I said FREE infant memorials! My heart instantly thought wow, what a way to honor my baby and get some healing out with this situation.  The director Dan Farber was god sent! He & his staff were more than accommodating, loving, and most important to be saved Christians! We set up a visitation/memorial. I picked her name Ariana, it means holy, and David helped with her middle name Faith. To all the family/friends who were involved with our dinner after the memorial service or came to the memorial, helped in anyway… You are more appreciated than we could ever express to you! It meant the world to me that after being in Reedsburg for only a few short months so many came together for our family’s sake. Davids great grandmother and father were his only family able to attend but it meant the world to him .  After the memorial service David was the last to exit the room. He came up to me as we were preparing to leave for our dinner he said to me,  “I kissed her and told her I love her!” In 11 years I don’t think I could of told you my husband was an emotional man. That night after he said that I knew his hurt ran deeper than I would ever know. I appreciated that he told me this because at that moment I felt like he was the only other person who could feel the pain, hurt, grief, and loss I was suffering.  As the mother I carried this baby and had to have a d&c without my husband present because of work. I was feeling very upset about that. That night he said those words to me, and saw the tears in his eyes I feel even more in love with him. The morning of the burial just the girls, David, myself, Davids dad, & my grandparents attended as we laid her to rest. My grandfather read an amazing note he had previously wrote to me in comfort. They were words that seemed so personal and felt like the lord spoke those to me. She now has a beautiful resting place and memorial stone.. R.i.p. Ariana 

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