Friday, January 10, 2014

My side of adoption.

Well today January 10th, 2014……. Marks 12 years since I gave birth to my First born. Those who have known me longest know my story. At age 15 I got pregnant, at 16 I gave birth to a 7lbs 7oz boy, Noah Benjamin. After a few weeks of being a teen mother I gave him up for an open adoption. I moved in with my grandparents after this and meet David. I finished high school and started college. I would go see Noah every 3 months or so. After being raised with a lot of siblings, I never had a motherly instinct, until I was about 18. I had never wanted children until I meet David.  Around age 2 I stopped going to see him so that I could do personal healing. After David and I got engaged at 20, my mother informed Noah was diagnosed Autistic. At that very moment I knew God had laid a plan out that I could of never foreseen. I wasn't saved yet at this point but I knew God was working things out for my life. I made a choice to tell Abreanna and Aspynn about Noah because I have never keep him a secret and wasn't planning on keeping it from them either. Although they don’t understand why we cannot see him, one day they will hopefully understand the reasons for my choices. Being a mother now  12 years later has changed my life some much. After getting pregnant with Abreanna, all I wanted was a boy. I have to be the first girl in history sad that it was a girl. As I came to terms I was having a girl, I realized it was for the best. God knew what he was doing all along. I had to many unresolved issues with being a mother to a boy.  When I was pregnant with Aspynn I went into preterm labor on jan 10, 2011, Noahs 9th birthday.  I was very upset that day, praying I didn’t have her that day. After I stayed the night at the hospital and got home. I was so thankful Noahs day was still his. A month later I gave birth to Aspynn and Noah was on my mind. For the first time ever in my 9 years after giving birth to my first born, I was at peace.  After holding Aspynn in my arms, a sense of peace came over me. I got saved just a few months after she was born and God settled all my hurt. I am currently pregnant and pray God blesses our family with a boy. Because for the first time ever I am ready for a baby boy in this family! As soon as Christmas is over I seem to go into a short depression and struggle through fighting it off. I like to be by myself when approaching his birthday. Each year I deal with it better and better, but of course I am not perfect, I am human.  After this weekend I will be focusing on Aspynns 3rd birthday! If yall could pray for me today that would be wonderful!  I also would like to thank those who were there for me during my pregnancy and delivery. They all supported me and loved me through it. My mom, Michelle, step dad, Ben, (noahs middle name), and my 2 sisters, Aubrè & Kylee. It wasnt easy going to school being pregnant as a sophomore/jr.. but they helped me get through the hard times, when everyone looked at me like i wore i scarlet letter. But i keep my head up and trusted in them to help me. After giving my son up for adoption it was even harder to have 16 yr old girls stare at my stretch marks and ask what happened... I was honest with all... never held back... Some people could appreciate that & others could not. At the age of 16 I can now look back an appreciate the person my husband is today. He never ONCE judged me for having gone throught that in my life, and always supported me. He still does today. He lets me throw a birthday party for Noah every year for just our family... He sings Happy birthday to my 1st born and comforts me through Jan 10th every year, Thank you all so much

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Newest Baby Kenyon due August 1st 2014!

From October until November I feel like it was a haze, just to get back into a routine and back to life.  I have never really asked for grace for any real reason in my life but during this time I did specifically ask a few people to just give me grace to get through my grief. I will be honest, I told god I was mad at him and asked why he was punishing me. I had done everything humanly possible to take care of myself and to care for my unborn child. And I was angry. After a few weeks I decided being angry wasn't doing me any good and that I needed to accept it.  So lets Fast-forward now, in November I had a 3 month prescription of Birth control waiting on my dresser. I was offered a job as a Manager at Culvers . David and I made the choice to wait to try for a while before trying. The day before I started my new job I drove to my dads to visit with him and help my sister Amy move. As we sat down to eat a nice dinner my brother & his girlfriend abruptly announced they were expecting! I instantly thought I don’t know if I can be excited for anyone still! I drove home that night thinking about all the unexpected things god had been doing in my life. I got home and thought hmm.. When was I supposed to get my period?? So out of curiosity I thought I would take a at home test to make me feel better. After taking it a very faint line showed up positive! I looked at the date and saw it was Nov 25th, exactly 8 weeks from our miscarriage. I am guilty  of doing the worst wife thing ever! I called my dad before anyone! He answered and I responded “ Isn't it got to be a record for 2 of your children to tell you in one day that they are expecting?!”  He seemed a bit in shock! Then David showed up at home and I felt bad I hadn't done something cute to tell him, so I just blurted it out and he seemed ok with it… and he asked what I thought. I said honestly, I am scared. I could tell he was too! I said well we can only see what happens! We decided to not tell our family or children until Christmas. CAN YOU BELIEVE I HAD TO KEEP A SECRET FOR 4 WEEKS! It was killer!  So here we are at 11 weeks along. Let me tell you this has been the worst pregnancy for morning sickness, dehydration, ect!  I have went into the Er i would say 6 times since we found out we were pregnant. Most of it for being dizzy, sick, and a UTI. So far we have had 4 ultrasounds and we have a baby! =) We ask that everyone keep praying with us!! Thanks for reading this insanely long post!

Last chapter of Ariana, before Heaven

Well, its been a long time since I have updated! Lets be honest here, I am not consistent, that’s something I really need to work on!  THIS IS LONG FYI…. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK! Ok so last update we had one baby in utero! Well on Sept 25th, 2013 I called my husband because I had a little spotting and felt like I had a UTI brewing. After he came home from work, we went into the ER. During the U/S we noticed there was no heartbeat. The Tech keep it together very well.. but as she exited the room I looked at David & started to tear up.. he said “I didn’t see a heart beat” and I said “I know” .. I knew I did not see one either. I started to cry right away. Within minutes the ER doc, who was very compassionate came back in and told us what we already knew.  The look in Davids eyes made me feel awful and helpless. I knew he was hurt and there wasn’t anything I could do, and I knew he wanted to be strong for my sake. He excused himself to go outside but not before he came over to give me a kiss and tell me it was going to be ok. And we would try for another baby when I was ready.  As we came home that night I cried myself to sleep. I cried for a lot of reasons, but the biggest one.. for my girls. I cried because I didn’t want to tell them but I knew we needed to. I couldn't hide it. As I told my oldest tears started to drop out of her eyes as she seen them drop from mine. My youngest crossed her arms and put her head down. Kids are resilient and nothing short of Gods children. They responded to me with “ she is in Heaven now with buddy our puppy, and Jesus!”. Smart children they are! I realize miscarriage maybe a taboo subject or to hurtful for some others, but at this point I have realized there were a lot of people who I wanted to be here for me that were not! I suppose I can’t expect everyone to be strong and able to know what to say, but it sure would have been nice to have those people act like they had cared. I never knew until Google and a few ladies around my new home told me that you can have a d&c, and keep the fetus! I didn't even realize my “fetus” or baby was thrown out like old trash after a d&c. I was also told there was a funeral home in town who did FREE, yes I said FREE infant memorials! My heart instantly thought wow, what a way to honor my baby and get some healing out with this situation.  The director Dan Farber was god sent! He & his staff were more than accommodating, loving, and most important to be saved Christians! We set up a visitation/memorial. I picked her name Ariana, it means holy, and David helped with her middle name Faith. To all the family/friends who were involved with our dinner after the memorial service or came to the memorial, helped in anyway… You are more appreciated than we could ever express to you! It meant the world to me that after being in Reedsburg for only a few short months so many came together for our family’s sake. Davids great grandmother and father were his only family able to attend but it meant the world to him .  After the memorial service David was the last to exit the room. He came up to me as we were preparing to leave for our dinner he said to me,  “I kissed her and told her I love her!” In 11 years I don’t think I could of told you my husband was an emotional man. That night after he said that I knew his hurt ran deeper than I would ever know. I appreciated that he told me this because at that moment I felt like he was the only other person who could feel the pain, hurt, grief, and loss I was suffering.  As the mother I carried this baby and had to have a d&c without my husband present because of work. I was feeling very upset about that. That night he said those words to me, and saw the tears in his eyes I feel even more in love with him. The morning of the burial just the girls, David, myself, Davids dad, & my grandparents attended as we laid her to rest. My grandfather read an amazing note he had previously wrote to me in comfort. They were words that seemed so personal and felt like the lord spoke those to me. She now has a beautiful resting place and memorial stone.. R.i.p. Ariana 

Monday, August 26, 2013

So we had our appointment Today at 5:30, but before that we enjoyed a free day at the world famous Circus in Baraboo! It was a blast to watch and wish we could of stayed longer, the girls lovedddd it, i did, until a random squirrel got lost in the bleachers and literally jumped by my feet and scratched my leg... freaky! And it was veryyy miserable hot out... 
We made it to our appt a few mins late but As of now he sees one baby in one sac, But still NO heartbeat (prob to early still) The ovarian Cyst is still there, but not growing!=) He believes right now, that the other "sacs" are "probably" now old tissue, (bc he cant see anything in the "sacs" and they look layered (which indicates blood?... He believes for now, its from my body possibly
 getting rid of whats not "viable" or needed?.. not real positive. He does expect i may bleed from my body trying to pass them.. So as of now we are still happy there is def A BABY growing! But we will still be keeping a good eye on everything with the pregnancy as of now. We have another ultrasound next Thursday evening. So by Thursday night we should see(hopefully) a beating heart! My hcg numbers are still rising well! So we believe there's going to be at least one blessing for us  I will admit i was very excited for Twins... but i believe god is providing the perfect child meet for our family!~ Thanks for your continued prayers! 

Ultrasound today at 5:30!

We are excited to be getting our Ultrasound today!!! This weekend i was feeling much better! My cyst didn't hardly bother me all weekend! Thank you Jesus!!! Thanks sooo much for the prayers <3
Although my mother in law decided to leave her cold here with us.. and im pretty sure I now have the start of a sinus infection =(  ...At least with her cold she is sitting in Mexico next to the Ocean! Poor Aspynn decided to stick her hand by a hot pan while i was making Sunday breakfast, and burned her wrist something terrible! Thank god for essential oils.. It looks pretty yucky right now =( But if we hadn't used some lavender im sure it would be much worse! I had to work all weekend, Dave did not. So he took the girls to their first experience at Tommy Bartletts Exploratory! (Dave has begged to go there since we moved here, its his childhood there) lol..
They had a blast there!!! He showed me many pictures and videos! Ill upload them later =)
As i was sitting in church yesterday i started to remember that God has brought me through so many things this last year. I had been on antidepressants and diagnosed bipolar since age 14. I meet an amazing woman of God, who has been a spiritual mother to me for a few years now. She posed a question to me after I got saved, "Why do you need pills to be "happy"?"... Although i believe some people have a health need to be on antidepressants, in my case.. I couldn't even figure out how to function in life without them. It took over a year for me to muster the courage to get off them. It was a scary choice for me because my husband wasn't on board with my decision and I knew my coping skills would be out of wack. It generally take 6 weeks or so to get all the medication out of your system. The words that rang in my head and still do from Leah are "Be  happy and live in the joy of the lord, its a choice to be happy!" I have days I still struggle to be in a good mood or have to simmer my temper. As of now i have been med free for 8 months! But what a victory for me! I am nervous to be hormonal and pregnant because i know it can more of a struggle to contain my emotions. And that's were I tell myself, I WILL pray when i am struggling, I will ask for prayer, and I will be thankful to Jesus for all he has done to allow me to live in joy!
I know all that's a bit of subject, but look at how Good God is!?! Just when I want to sulk or feel sorry for myself, i remind myself that I will be thankful for all the blessings he has given me ( and you!!)! I have had a few incidents pop up recently also that at first I wanted to be angry with someone for doing me wrong, or for them being malicious .. It was difficult for me at first but I prayed right then and there and told myself, The lord has shown me grace so many times, even when i didn't deserve it! I made the choice to show those people grace and forgive them right then and there. I know that if I show them grace, forgiveness, and love then just maybe it will help them know Jesus better or let him shine through me!
I also just need to say I believe with all my heart that through this pregnancy and the blessings God has in store for my family, we will Glorify all that he has done for us! I have obviously to much on my mind today, haha.... but anyhow, thanks for your continued prayers and support to our family! If there's prayer you need from us, please let us know! Id love to return prayer to your family!<3 Tonight we will let you all know how our appt went!!! God Bless! <3 Abbie

Friday, August 23, 2013

5wk 2d Preggers... Our story so far.... YES ITS LONG =)

Hello All!
 I figured this would maybe be the best way for us to keep our family and friends updated on our pregnancy. We went from trying to conceive for almost a year to having an emergency surgery, to remove a 7cm Cyst on my right ovary on July 16th , then trying to recover to find another cyst on my left ovary, on Aug 14th.
 On late Thursday night, 8/15, I took myself to the ER due to pain. After be administered pain medication, the doctor came in to ask me "Do you know your pregnant?" ... UM NO....(thank you dollar store for failing  me the day before with an at home test, lol) My Hcg numbers were 100ish. The doctor said i was obviously very early, and that it was a possibility we could be experiencing an eptopic pregnancy. UGH... i felt awful and cried because i was sure that's what was happening! We have experienced this once before conceiving Aspynn! My mother in law was on her way up from IL and came to the ER with me, while i got an U/S done. (worse U/S ever!! Lady was very rude!) It only showed that the cyst was still there and had not burst.  That night I told myself i would NOT SHARE our pregnancy with anyone but our close friends and family, so that in-case we miscarried I wouldn't have to explain to the FB world what happened. 
As i went to bed that night, I prayed about the whole situation. I asked God what he wanted me to do, I woke up the next morning with a clear agenda from the Lord, It was to ask for prayer from our prayers warriors! He spoke to me ""Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them."~ Matt 18:19-20 ... So i asked a great friend to help me put an announcement together. It turned out better than i could of Imagined! (Thanks Nicole Birthelmer!)
  On that Sunday Aug18th, I asked for prayer from my pastors, that my bloodwork (Hcg) would rise! I got the call late Sunday night from my awesome Nurse Practitioner, Renee, That my numbers were around 600! REMEMBER they want them to double every 48/72 hrs. WOW... I was sooo happy!!!  On Tuesday Aug 20th, we had another U/S to confirm our pregnancy ( next worse U/S... she wouldn't allow Dave or the girls to come back and wasn't very nice!). She would not tell me anything about the results or even show me the screen.
 Later that afternoon, I saw Dr.Shad (OB/gyn) He showed me all the pictures from my U/s. He told me he does not believe its a tubal pregnancy! He the said "There are 2 spots on the Uterus".... I replied "2 spots??" Of course i thought do you mean i have cancer or some abnormality??!... I know im a bit dramatic, lol... 
He replied "Yes, possibility 2 sacs." ...................HOLD UP.... "So it could be TWINS????!!!"... 
"Umm, yes.. of course we need to wait to see heartbeats." ...
I sat down and said.. "SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!.. I seriously could be having twins, holy moly..." 
Im pretty sure i was about to faint at this point!
I really just need to say, Dr.Shad is probably the most amazing doctor all around i have EVER dealt with! He is very caring, compassionate, emphatic, and for the 1st time ever, he NEVER said "viable" pregnancy.. I highly dislike that word ;( .
He explained he wanted to do an U/S at his office (almost an hour from my home) So he could rule out a tubal on Monday 8/26 @5:30pm. In Sauk City. He of course reminded me that It is possible that the Second sac can be empty. I replied to him " Ill take whatever gift god sees fit for me to have, if thats one or two!" 
Now i have to be honest ... i was very nervous to call my husband to tell him we could possibly be having TWO babies! I don't normally call him at work.. but I FELT it was needed, lol.. .he took it pretty well! And bc i had to work that day.. i posted on Facebook of what was going on so i could ask for prayer & spread the news quicker without overloading my phone while trying to work!
The next day Wednesday, Aug 21st, I had my blood drawn again. My numbers... 3,600!!!!! WOW! So by Thursday its all sunk in, we are most likely bringing home not one but TWO babies!! 
My first thoughts are how in the world am i going to be able to afford TWO!  Or if i go on bedrest (like w/ my previous pregnancy's) who is going to help me? Or how can i find a 3/4 bedroom home before babies are born and still afford it! ..... all the normal fleshly questions... And i am a bit emotional/hormonal.. so my worry was on overdrive!..
But after talking with a few good woman, i was reminded... GOD PROVIDES! And when i least expect it.. I know somehow some way he will provide for our family! 
The prayers for my pain had been working.. until 3am on Friday Aug 23rd... My pain just got severely worse ;( I drove myself to the ER, Dave to the girls to my besties, Janessa's home... and we got started with IVs, zofran, NO PAIN meds.. and heat packs... MY FAVORITE U/S tech, Becky(super sweet!), came in and started our U/S... she showed me the 2 sacs again.. explaining that one def looked like we see  baby.. the other.. not a positive yes.. and the '3RD SAC um well.. it could be maybe empty or fluid filled".. 
Theres for sure one, maybe  two.. and a possible third!!!!!...... I'm beyond words. My 1st thought is, well i asked for it!.. If you look back at my Fb picture of our announcement i asked for prayers that our numbers wouldn't just double but triple fold.... uff duh!...  and my Hcg number today, 8,200!!! 
So the cyst has NOT burst... last week it was 12mm in size, this week 2.51cm.. good news... today.. it hasn't grown! 
So PRAY that it goes away and stops hurting would be super! And that i can make it thought the weekend at work! Monday we PRAY we can see heartbeats to confirm, babies in sacs!  Just pray whatever HIS will is... is what will be done! THANKS SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR PRAYERS AND SUPPORT Y'ALL <3